Not a heroic story - part 1

“Wake up mom. We need to hide.” It was six am on a saturday and I heard the sound of a missile alert. “Mom, I think there’s a missile alert. Let’s move,” I said, but I wasn’t sure what to do. The last time I heard this kind of alert was more than fifteen years ago. I was a child back then and there was a big war with Lebanon; and that day when I heard this sound again, my body reacted automatically like a well trained dog. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” she said. “What is it. What’s happening?” She asked, but her body already knew and she dressed up in no time. “Where’s dad? Where are we going?” She asked while following me. “Dad went out for a walk half an hour ago,” I said. I didn’t know where I was taking her, but after a couple of seconds we were at the building’s staircase with the rest of the neighbours.

It wasn’t our apartment. I came to Israel for a short visit and my brother left me his place for a couple of days. Then I invited my parents for the weekend. “Who’s shooting at us this time?” One old lady asked. “I heard it’s the Iranians. Could be a nuclear bomb,” another neighbour joked. I saw two frightened kids cuddled with their mom right next to my feet. There was an old lady in a sleeping gown holding her little chihuahua in her trembling hands. Then we heard some huge explosions and the building was shaking. “Do you know where did dad go to?” My mom asked silently. “He said he goes to the beach, but I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s a big boy and he’s probably found a better shelter than us,” I said with a little smile.

We went back home and turned on the TV. Then my dad came. “What do they say in the news? Who’s shooting at us today?” He asked amused. They didn’t say anything in the news and we were constantly refreshing the news websites to see if anyone know what was going on. Then after a while the first images arrived. We saw four pickup trucks with armed men crossing the main avenue of a big city about fourty kilometers from us. These armed men wore green bands on their heads and they were shooting everywhere. The pickup trucks were white and the men were wearing black. I looked at the TV and shook my head. “Do you think it’s real? It can’t be true right? I mean; how would they cross the border so easily?” I asked. But my parents didn’t answer. They were staring at their phones. “They say here on Telegram that there was a big invasion and they conquered three different military bases. They say they kidnept a senior general,” my dad said in a playful tone and then looked at us to see our reaction. “Stop. Stop. I don’t like what you’re doing. It can’t be happening right now. I mean, we have our soldiers on the border. There’s no way. It must be a misunderstanding.” I said and I covered my face with my palms. The next image that appeared on the screen is a mother. She’s around fourty years old and she carries two little readhead kids in her two arms. She’s surrounded by six big men that point their Kalachnikovs at her. She’s crying and they’re taking her away with the little kids. The younger one must have been around one year old. The older one has a pacifier in his mouth. The mother his hugging them with a gray blanket. The men are laughing and smiling. One of them is drinking Coca Cola while he’s watching the whole scene. They put her in a car and they dissapear.

When we started to realize the magnitude of the event, the conversation went off. The only one to talk was my dad. He’s in his sixties and has his own idea about the meaning of life. He migrated with his family to Israel when he was eleven and made a huge effort to integrate and become an authentic israeli. “I learned hebrew in a month,” he told me once. “I had to learn fast in order to survive. Kids can be very cruel. Especially if you’re a redhead and have some russian accent.” He arrived to Israel in 1973, just before the Yom Kippur war started. And that day on October the seventh sent him back to his first memories from Israel. Everything was collapsing around him. So he looked for the worst news on Telegram and made sure we’ll hear them too.

Then my phone rang. “I’m going to our military base. We still don’t know what’s the plan, but I just wanted to let you know.” It was my friend David from my squad in the army, or “the team” as we call it in hebrew. While he was talking to me I saw a girl on the TV screen. She was sitting on a motorcycle between two men that took her away. She was crying and asking for help. Then the camera turns to the right and there’s a big guy with his hands tied behind his back who’s looking at her desperately. He was surrounded by at least six armed man. “I know you haven’t been here for a long time, so don’t feel like you have to come. Just let me know in case you do.” Son of a bitch I told myself. What is he doing? If he goes, we all must got. “I need to think about it,” I told him. “Take care of yourself, I love you brother.”

When I hung up mom and dad were both looking at me without blinking. “Did they call you from the army?” My dad asked. “Do they know you live abroad and haven’t touched a gun in the last five years?” I didn’t really know what to answer, but I want to keep the decision in my hands. I had a flight to catch in a couple of days, but I already knew it wasn’t going to happen. “What about your flight to Italy?” My mom asked. I was supposed to live in Rome for a couple of months. I recently graduated from university in Spain and I felt that I needed a new adventure in my life. It’s been six years since I finished my military service and I spent most of these six years abroad. The day I took off my uniform and gave back my rifle was on of the happiest days of my life. “You’re free. Your life is finally yours,” I thought. I didn’t have a very clear plan, but the only thing I knew is that I needed to stay away from Israel for a while. “I don’t think I’m going to Italy mom,” I said, and for the first time I realized I’m stuck in Israel. I looked at my phone and saw messages on our squad whatsapp group, “I’m joining too,” someone wrote. And then just like a domino, one after another more and more people said they’re coming, and I felt the walls were closing on me with every message. I was afraid to lift my eyes from the screen and I could feel my parent’s gaze directed at me.

“I just got a message from Miriam. She said her niece was at the party and she hasn’t been available for the last two hours,” my mom said and as she said it I saw her eyes flooded with tears. At this time we’ve realized that there was a big party next to the border where hundreds of people were massacred. I realized I probably know at least some people who went to this party, but I tried not to think about it. Then again came the sound of a missile alert. The worst sound in the world. In just one moment the whole body gets tense, and you start hearing it everywhere; when a kid screams, a motorcycle accelrates, an ambulance passes by or even sometimes when nothing happens and it’s just in your head. This time when we went to the staircase no one talked. People’s faces were serious and we all avoided creating eye contact. There were some huge explosions and someone mumbeled to himself that it sounds like a direct hit. Probably somewhere in the neighbourhood. “No, that’s the sound it makes when they intercept the missile,” said a mid age guy. Then again, no one talked.

Where’s the fucking prime minister? Why no one talks to us? What the hell is going on? I had these questions in my head, but I didn’t dare to say them out loud. We’re so proud of our army that we couldn’t understand how such a big fuck-up has happened. We didn’t know back then that no one was going to answer these questions and take responsability. “It’s the end of this government,” my dad said once we were back in the apartment. “The prime minister will have to quit after such a thing. They’ll appoint a comission of inquiry and his name will be all over the report. He’s been the prime minister for such a long time. There’s no way he’ll escape the blame.”

I was searching for news in my phone and then the first message from abroad arrived, “I’m so sorry for the terrible situation in Israel. I send you a huge hug. If there’s anything we could do from here at any moment please let me know. We think about you a lot.” That was a message from María. María was a friend of a friend and we barely knew each other. I didn’t even have her number saved in my contacts when I recieved that message. And precisely because of that, her message brought me to tears. I realized how far I was from my previous life that now felt like a very distant memory. After taht message I started getting more and more, and for the first time I felt like the world is supporting us. On TV in Israel they always talk as if the whole world wanted us dead. “Europe is lost. Islam has conquered the western civilization. Ohh the hypocrisy,” are just some of the things they say constantly. They say antisemitism is like a virus that always adapts itself. Growing up watching this kind of news, I always felt that everyone hates us. And when we were travelling abroad my parents taught us to say we’re from Cyprus if anyone asks. Especially after that one time in Irland.

“Fuck you baby killer!” They said. “We don’t want your kind here. Get out of our country!” It happened in a little town -whose name I don’t remember- somewhere in Irland. We were on a summer vacation like every year. I was maybe eight and my brother three years older than me. We went to a playground, just the two of us. Then two local kids came towards us and I could see from a distance that they didn’t have good intentions. I couldn’t speak any english and my brother had very limited vocabulary so it was hard to comminicate. I was scared and I told my brother I’m going to look up for dad. And I left him alone with these two other kids. I came back with my dad after a short time and I see my brother lying motionless beneath the swing set. He was there alone in the middle of an empty playground. Later when he’s recovered he told us what happened. How they beat him after he said he was from Israel, and how they said, “your whiny little brother went to call daddy?”

In the afternoon my parents left. They finally drove back to our house in the north. It was a big relief for me not to have them next to me in that moment. “Don’t do anything stupid, ok? My dad said when he was at the door. “Remember it’s not your war, and they probably won’t take you even if you go. You’re not trained.” They drove away and I went to visit my friend Steve who lived a couple of blocks away. Climbing the stairs I saw the girl on the first floor doing some sort of spiritual ritual on the staircase and I had to jump above the candles she lit. I opened the door and saw that Ethan and Noam were already there, watching the news. We were trying to make sense of what they said on the news, “did you know that Tom’s sister was murdered at the party?” Ethan said. “Yeah, my friend Eden was also there at the party and no one knows what’s happened with her. They say she might have been kidnapped,” Noam added. “What about you. Have you been called for the resrves?” He asked me. “I really don’t know man. I’ll have to see. I don’t even have my boots here. I have nothing but my little baggage,” I answered. “Yeah that makes sense. I though you weren’t part of the resrves anyway. How long have you been living abroad?” Ethan asked. I scratched the back of my head and said, “I don’t know if they’d let my join. I’ve been away for 6 years now. I don’t know.” Then there was a siren again and we all went down to the staircase. The girl from the first floor left her things on the floor and we didn’t have much space. Her door was open and we heard her talking to herself. I couldn’t make any sense of what she said. “Hey come out,” I said. “There’s a missile alert. It’s not safe to stay in the apartment.” She looked at me as if I was speaking in a foreign language. “Get out of the apartment!” Steve said to her. This time she came. She was trembling. The neighbours from the second floor came with their dog and he barked at me when I tried to pet him. “He’s nervous. Don’t touch him now,” They said. We heard three or maybe four explosions and then we went back up to Steven’s apartment.

The sun went down and each one was about the go back home. Ethan and Noam left a couple of minutes beofre I did. “Look man, don’t torture yourself for not going to the front.” Steve said while opening the door for me. “I don’t go either. I mean, there’s not much we can do, right?” We said we’ll meet for a coffee tomorrow and see what happens. I freed my bike from the post and started driving away. I moved less than twenty meters when another siren started. I figured I won’t have enough time to lock my bike again so I just left it on the sidewalk and ran back to Steven’s building. Everyone were there, and the girl from the first floor was talking on the phone this time. She was screaming. “Where did the siren catch you?” Steven asked me. “Were you already on your way?” I tried to regulate my breathing before answering, “I didn’t even manage to get out of your street. I’m glad it didn’t catch me on me way,” I said smiling. Then there was a huge explosion. It was much stronger than any other explosion we heard that day. “It fell in the neighbourhood. I’m telling you,” one of the neighbours said. I turned to Steven and said, “I better see if there are any injured people there. Are you joining?” “I’m going back home,” he said. “But let me know if you see anything interesting.”

I went out to the street and there was dust everywhere. I tried to understand where the dust comes from and started to run towards it. And then after a minute I stopped. “There must be many people already there. I don’t think they really need me,” I thought. I stood there for another minute and then called Steve. “Do you mind if I stay the night in your place?” “Sure. Come over,” he said.

The next morning when we woke up we saw at the news that more than a thousand people have already died and there were many hostages taken. “It’s going to be ugly,” Steve said. “I mean, we’re going to flatten Gaza after what they did. We should do it fast before the world’s opinion shifts againg.” I was reading messages in my phone and said, “I got so many messages from people in Spain. I’m not used to feel so much support.” Then I read him a message I got from my friend Claudia, “Hello, dear, I’m so sorry for what’s going on in your country. I send you a big hug. I wish it’ll be solved soon.” “So they’re on our said this time. I wonder how long it’ll last after we attack back,” Steve said.

Later that day we went to Noam’s house. He was living with his parents back then. Terrible news were arriving constantly and my squad mates were already at the front. “If anyone wants to join, just go to the base and let me know,” my friend Daniel wrote in our whatsapp group. We didn’t have any official commander so Daniel took that responsability. I didn’t write anything in that group. We were sitting in the balcony on the twentieth floor in the centre of Tel Aviv. The sky was clear and you could see the sea on the horizon. “I think I’m going to join my friends,” my voice was shaking, but no one seemed to notice. “I just need to see if I can get some boots and find a way to get to the military base. Then of course I’m still not sure they’ll let me join. I haven’t touched a rifle in years.” “I’ll take to the base,” Noam said. “I have a friend there, he’ll help you to get in, in case there’s any problem.” Then he stopped. He was looking for my eyes. “You know you don’t have to do it,” he added. “I still need to get boots. And socks. I guess I need to preper a bag. I might be gone for a long time. I don’t know.” Noam said he’ll take care of everything and after a couple of minutes he came back with a bag filled with underwear and socks. “Do you need anything else?” “Boots,” I said. “Take these boots. It’s my dad’s hiking shoes, but he’ll be happy to give them to a soldier. Take it.”

My cousin called and asked if I was going to the front. “Yes, I’m about to leave in two hours,” I said. “Where are you?” He asked. I want to see you before you leave. “Sure,” I said. I put the bag on my back and the three of us went down with the elevator. “My cousin is waiting for me at the entrance. I need two minutes before we leave, ok?” They told me they’ll go looking for the car in the meantime. My cousin is four years older than me and I used to admire him when I was a kid. He’s room was full of trophies from all sorts of competitions. He was waiting for me on the sidewalk. There were many people passing by and there was a lot of traffic. “Hey there hero!” He said. “You look good. I’m proud of you.” I smiled with some embarrassment and said, “Well, someone has to do it. That’s what I was trained for. It’s my turn now.” He took off his sunglasses. “Please take care of yourself. Give me a hug before you leave.” When he hugged me and I noticed how he slowly leaned on me with all his body weight. Then he started crying. At the beginning I wasn’t sure if he was actually crying, but then he started sobbing and I felt his tears on my shoulder. “Hey it’ll be fine,” I said. “Don’t worry about me.” I said after swallowing hard. “I know, I know,” he said. “Sorry for being so dramatic. I’ll see you soon.” He wiped his tears and went the other way.

Next thing, I’m in the car on my way to the military base. It’s late afternoon and there’s not much trafic. “I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to die. fuck!” That’s the only thing I could think of and Noam was driving the car without stopping. “There are so many things I haven’t done. I can’t die now, not yet.” We reached a traffic light. It was red and I was thankful for that. Noam looked at me and asked, “Hey how you doing? Are you ready for some war? Enter the zone and focus. You know what I mean?” I looked out of the window and saw a group of kids waving israeli flags. “Sure, I’m all in. I’m ready,” I said. “I’m sure they’ll let me in though. I’ll do my best.” There were only green lights from that moment and we arrived at the base before when it was still daylight. “I’ll wait in the car in case they don’t let you in,” Noam said. Then I went to the entry gate. “Show me your ID,” a young soldier told me. “Did you get an order to be here? Show me the message you got.” I didn’t have anything to show him and I noticed my israeli ID was already expired. I went back to the car and told Noam they wouldn’t let me in. “I’ll call my friend. Wait a minute,” he said. Less than five minutes afterwards his friend was already there. “Hey it’s so good to see you man,” he said to Noam with a big smile. They’ve been talking about how long they haven’t seen each other and how they should try to meet up more often. “So you’re going to join our guys at the front?” He turned to me. “Come I’ll get you in. Don’t worry.” We entered the base without any problem. He wished me luck and then we went different ways.

I started wandering around the base. I didn’t know where to go and there were people shouting everywhere. I reached an intersection, and I wasn’t sure which side I should go. I decided to keep walking forward, and when I crossed the road a huge truck almost hit me. “Watch where you’re going soldier. We need you alive for fighting,” the car’s driver said with a smile. “Hey, do you know by chance where’s unit number 5121?” I asked. “You’re in the right direction,” he said. “Just keep walking forward until you see a big hangar with many soldiers in it. I thanked him and kept walking. Then the phone rang. It was my ex girlfriend. We broke up a year ago, but we stayed in touch. “Hey, how doing?” She asked. I met her on a birthday party in Madrid two years before. She’s comes from a small town in Spain. We’ve been together for one year and she’s never had the chance to visit Israel.

“I’m good. I mean, I guess you watched the news. There are some problems going on in Israel at the moment,” I said. “Of course I saw. Can they call you up for the army? How does it work?” I tried to think of how to answer her. “Actually I’m in a military base right now. I’ll probably have to turn off my phone soon.” There was a long silence. “Are you going to the war?” She said in a trembling voice, and I felt a tear running down my cheek. “Did they oblige you? What happens if you tell them you don’t want to go?” That time she was crying while talking. “Look, It’s complicated. I don’t have much chioce and my friends are already at the front. I need to join them.” She tried to talk again, but all that came out of her mouth were sobs. Eventually she managed to say, “but you can die! Don’t go. Please don’t go. I’m begging you.” I looked up at the sky and saw a little cloud moving rapidly with the wind. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I really am, but there’s nothing else I could do. I’ll take care of myself. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” Then I added, “you know me. I’m a coward. I’m not going to look for problems.” She said she loves me and asked me to send her a message everyday just so she could know that I’m still alive. “You can send just ‘hey’,” she said. “You don’t need to write anything beyond that.”

I kept walking around the base and I couldn’t find my unit. There were thousands of soldiers moving in all directions and I couldn’t recognize any of them, until I saw a group of guys that looked familiar. I haven’t seen them since I finished my military service, and we never liked each other, but that day it was different. There were five of them and I hugged each one of them. “So you’re back from spain to save the homeland?” One of them said with a smile. They were dressed in military gear from head to toe. “Kind of. I guess,” I said, and then asked them if they know where is my unit. “I think it’s down this road,” one of them said. “But I heard your squad members have already gone to the front yesterday. You better hurry up.” I thanked them and started walking in the direction they told me until I heard someone calling my name. It was one of these guys, “Take care of yourself man. It’s not gonna be easy.”

That time I finally found the right place. There was a big mess and it took me a couple of minutes to understand where I should go. At the recruitment desk were two young guys that I’ve never seen before. “What is your military personal number?” He asked. “8050289,” I answered and surprised myself for remembering the number I haven’t used in six years. “Ok I see you’re in the list. Take this form with you and go to the armory to sign on your rifle. The bus leaves in thirty minutes so do it fast.”

I took the form and sat on the stairs. I realized that I was only thirty minutes away from being sent to the front. My mom was calling, but I didn’t answer. Then she texted me, “hey where are you? You’re not joining the army right?” I felt nauseous and laid on my back. The form was lying on my chest. After a couple of minutes someone sat next to me, “hey I think I know you! We did the combat medic course together right?” He said. “Hey sure! It’s so good to see you. So you’re also on your way south?” I couldn’t remember his name. “Actually I’m injured so I’m just helping here with the logistics,” he said. “But Razi here is about to go in a couple of minutes!” He added and pointed at the guy who was sitting next to him. “It’s gonna be ugly, fucking hell.” Razi said. I looked at him and tried to see if he was scared. “Are you ready Razi? What made you come?” I asked. I didn’t know this guy, but he looked just like any of my friends. “I got a text message calling me,” he said. “There wasn’t much to think about, you know?” There were soldiers going on a bus next to us. He looked at them and then said, “I really hope it won’t take too long.”

They both left and I was alone again. I looked at the form, and then looked left and right. I folded it and put it in my pocket. “Can you pick me up?” “What happened? They didn’t let you join?” “I couldn’t. I’m sorry for making you drive here again. I can’t do it.” “Don’t worry man. It’s ok. I’ll be there in forty minutes to pick you up.” I satrted walking back towards the gate. I was looking at my feet while I was walking. It was already dark outside. “Someone has shoes? Someone has hiking boots?” A guy was shouting. “Hey come here,” I said. “I can give you my boots.” “My boots just broke,” he said, and showed me how the sole came off the shoe. “I need to leave in ten minutes. You’re really saving me here. Thanks.” I gave him my shoes and whished him luck. I was barefoot and I kept walking towards the gate. I could feel every little stone sticking into my feet. I was wearing military pants, a red T-shirt and no shoes. Out at the gate were several mothers with big pots in their hands. “Hey soldier. Are you hungry? Do you want a homemade schnitzel?” She asked me. “I… I’m ok, thanks,” I said. “Come don’t be shy. You need to be strong. You need protein,” she added. “I can’t take it. I really appreciate it. I’m sure there are other guys here that would take it,” I said and I looked for a quiet spot where I could wait for Noam.

Noam drove me back to Tel Aviv. We didn’t talk much on the way. “Sorry again for making you come here again.” “You don’t need to justify yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do,” Noam answered. My head was down and I saw my bare feet. “I gave your dad’s hiking boots to a guy that really needed them. I hope taht’s ok..” I said. “My dad would be very happy knowing that there’s a soldier using his boots right now. You did the right thing.” He dropped me at the door and went away. I washed my feet and went to bed.

Later that night my squad friend Adam sent a message on our whatsapp group, “whoever reads it, go to read Psalms now”. He didn’t explain anything beyond that. I looked for Psalms prayer in the internet and read it a couple of times before I went to sleep. In the morning I’ve been told that Yosef died. He was our commander when we were on our mandatory service. He was such a good guy. Later at his funeral his dad said that Yosef was scared when he was called for duty, but he went there with a smile and tried to keep everyone’s spirits up. He was only twenty nine when he died and he left his wife alone with a five months old son. Together with him two other soldiers died. I heard one of them had nine kids.